motherhood

How are you?

~ Patricia Schnase ~ 2 Comments

How are you?

It’s a simple question actually. One that we ask each other often. But, lately I haven’t been sure how to answer it.

In the grand scheme of things, my answer is: Good. Really good.

I love motherhood. My life has really balanced in the last few months. (Finally.) The number of out of the house activities is not too many. I’m getting a fair amount of sleep (less than I would have thought I needed). Connor and I have a nice, but flexible, daily routine. I’m finding time and energy for creative pursuits.

But, answering the question that way has two problems.

(1) It doesn’t usually lead to actual conversation.

That’s sometimes fine though. How are you? functions like Hello or What’s up? It’s a moment of connection. I see you. You matter.

But (2) it’s not exactly honest.

Motherhood is awesome. And awesomely hard. For every excellent moment, there’s at least one tough one.

The moment in the middle of the night where I lose my temper with the baby because I haven’t trimmed his fingernails and they’re digging in to the back of my arm.

The one where instead of greeting my husband with a smile, he gets a tired and cranky, Hey.

None of this is unexpected or abnormal. The problem is in how I process the feelings. I’m discovering that it’s important for me to learn how to share in a way that is both authentic and helpful. To own the feeling, then release it and move on. To say, “This is what I’m dealing with right now.”

I’m not totally sure what this will look like yet. As an introvert, it isn’t in my nature to be very forthcoming with my inner self. As a Midwesterner, it isn’t in my culture to whine about hardships. But as a human, connecting with honesty is important.

So if you ask me how I am, I’ll try to be honest.

Really good. And kinda bad.

 

How do you answer this question? What factors influence your response?

New Year Goals

~ Patricia Schnase ~ Leave a comment

For the record, I’m pretty terrible at creating and keeping realistic goals and habits. I think the main reason for this is because in my mind missing one day/week/whatever means I’ve already failed and keeping at it after that is really hard.

Yes, I’m aware that’s pretty ridiculous.

However, I was struck yesterday by a Facebook post by the author Kate DiCamillo (Tale of Despereaux and Because of Winn Dixie, among others):

A long time ago (23 years this January), I made a deal with myself.

I wanted to be a writer, but I was too afraid and uncertain (and truthfully: flat-out lazy) to do anything about it.

But in 1994, I was going to be 30 years old.

And I could see that it would be easy for me to spend the rest of my life dreaming and wanting and not doing.

So I told myself that I would write two pages a day.

Two pages isn’t much.

But if you show up every day, it adds up.

I’m thinking about all of this now, because in November of 2015, I started a novel and last week, I turned that (written and re-written and re-written and re-written) novel into my editor.

Can I just say?

I am so glad that I sat down and started to do the work.

I am so glad that I woke up.

There are a lot of aspects of this that hit hard. In 2017, I will also be turning 30. I also want to be a writer and am afraid, uncertain, and lazy about that work. Lazy and perfectionistic, a wicked combination for accomplishing anything.

Becoming a mother has shifted some of my priorities. My most important work for the next 18+ years will be raising my children. As C.S. Lewis puts it,

Children are not a distraction from more important work. They are the most important work.

But I know that story is a huge part of childhood (and adulthood too, if we’re honest), and that I have stories to tell.

So maybe the laundry won’t get done. Maybe there will be dishes in the sink. There will be dog hair on the floor and couch. But the people in my house will be fed and loved and read to everyday.

And the pages will be written.

And on the days that the pages don’t get written there will be grace.

But, two by two, here I go!

Humbled

~ Patricia Schnase ~ 1 Comment

This morning I am tired. And humbled.

Connor and I have had a few rough days/nights after being away for Thanksgiving. We had a great trip, but coming home has been hard. Today at 4:30am, I tearily told CJ some of my worries and that I didn’t know what to do and I just want to sleep.

Around 7am when he was getting ready for work and I was nursing Connor again, he told me he’d been doing some research and wondered if this might help my problem.

And I kinda yelled at him. I didn’t exactly raise my voice, but I definitely shut his suggestions down.

About an hour later, I apologized. But here’s the kicker: He said he expected it.

How awful.

To offer someone a solution to something they’re struggling with fully expecting them to snarl at you for it.

I’m sure there’s a deeper spiritual message here, but I’m too tired and too sorry to find it. This morning I’m just humbled by the grace my husband has shown me, and it’s overwhelming to consider the grace my Savior has shown me.

 

And now it’s time to feed the baby again.

Motherhood: What I don’t want to tell you

~ Patricia Schnase ~ 1 Comment

My husband and I welcomed our first child into the world on Tuesday. Connor James has already changed and enriched my life in the last seven days. I am so happy and blessed to have the privilege of being his mother.

Photo credit: BellaBaby Photography
Photo credit: BellaBaby Photography

We’ve had lots of encouragement and support from family and friends and we’re so grateful to have Connor’s grandparents living in the same town as we do. But it’s definitely a big adjustment. And aside from living with a newborn, I’m dealing with some things. Some thoughts.

I sort of feel like there are expectations when a person asks a new mother how she’s doing. We kind of want to hear how exhausted she is and offer a sympathetic smile. Like making small talk about the weather or the big game, we expect the conversation to go a certain direction, with both parties filling their expected roles.

So, here’s what I don’t want to tell you:

I don’t want to say that I was only in labor for about 6 hours. Especially if I know you labored longer.

I don’t want to tell you that I didn’t have an epidural, just a single dose of IV pain medicine. It feels like bragging. I promise I didn’t go into it trying to prove how strong I am.

I don’t want to say that breastfeeding has been going well, that my milk came in on day 3 and that by day 4, Connor had stopped losing and started gaining weight back.

I REALLY don’t want you to know that our second night home with him he slept almost 6 hours straight, because I never thought I’d have to set an alarm to wake up and feed a newborn.

I don’t want you to notice that I’m basically wearing pre-pregnancy clothes already. I’m not trying. I’m just wearing what fits.

At the same time as I’m thinking all of this, I am still dealing with the changes that come with having had a baby a week ago. I’m sore, and kind of hate using the bathroom. I’m sleepy often. I cry at literally nothing. I worry about being home with baby and two dogs while CJ is at work.

But, I’ve perceived these discomforts as comparatively minor, and so again, I don’t want to tell you. Somehow I fear that your response will be “That’s nothing” or “Just you wait.”

I know that I’m fortunate. So I downplay my experience, while at the same time wanting to share and connect. I’m still figuring out what sharing will look like for me, but maybe just writing this is a good first step. Writing it down is usually the best place for me to begin.

So now you know what I didn’t want you to know. What I didn’t know how to say.

 

But seriously, I already love him so much more than I imagined. Being a mom is totally awesome. Even at 2am.

Expiration Date

~ Patricia Schnase ~ 2 Comments

So yesterday I bought a gallon of milk and as I was standing in front of the cooler in the store, I had a moment. All of those jugs were stamped: Best by 10-17-16. All that milk “expires” on my due date.

Now I’m not really wound up about having this baby on October 17th. I know that due dates are approximations and that coming early or going long isn’t something to worry about at this point. My house is pretty much ready for baby and my ribs are ready to be done with the kicking.

What hit me was that pregnancy can seem to last forever, even if you’re fairly comfortable like I’ve been. And now it’s only going to last through the next few gallons of milk. (I say “few” because the one I bought yesterday is already half-gone.) Sometimes measuring time in a different way, like gallons of milk, can put a new perspective on it.

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A Pile of Parenting Books

~ Patricia Schnase ~ 1 Comment

If it wasn’t already obvious, I do some of my best learning through reading. I can’t recall ever taking one of those learning styles tests, but I know I’d rank higher on reading than simply seeing. (Since I do love personality tests, I should probably take one some day.)

So over the last 8 months or so, I’ve read a lot about pregnancy, birth, and infants. Most of these books I’ve received as gifts or gotten cheap at a thrift store based on recommendations. What I’m finding really interesting (and potentially frustrating) is the variety and contradiction of the contents.

The Happiest Baby on the Block by Harvey Karp focuses on calming the crying in a variety of ways so that both baby and parents get enough rest. I appreciated the blend of medical science and common sense, wrapped together with a rather amusing tone. For example, I laughed over this quote for days:

I think America’s favorite pastime isn’t baseball…. It’s giving new moms unsolicited advice.

Karp’s 5 S’s (swaddling, side/stomach, shushing, swinging, and sucking) are easy to use and remember. Most of his book is built on the premise that babies could use a “fourth trimester” in the womb and each of the S’s helps make the outside world a little more womb-like for the little one.

On Becoming Babywise by Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam was also good, but my particular copy was a little dated (copyright 1995) so maybe I’ll check the library for an updated version, just to compare. These authors seem unworried about stomach sleeping infants, which recent studies have linked strongly to SIDS, so I ignored that part.

Ezzo and Bucknam strongly advocate getting your baby on a routine as quickly as possible so that babies are sleeping through the night by around 6-8 weeks. They recommend watching the clock, but not allowing the clock to be the parent, some feedings will happen slightly earlier or later than the average 3 hours apart. I appreciated a lot of the tips, especially about helping a more nocturnal baby transition to sleeping more at night, but I’m not sure how hardcore I will be about always making sure the routine is “feeding-waketime-naptime.”

La Leche League International’s The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding is a lot less structured than Babywise, advocating the natural instincts of the mother and baby over the schedule. This book recommends feeding when the baby is hungry, as many times throughout the day and night as necessary. Again, I’m not sure how I feel about that.

But what I did love about that book was all the advice and techniques for making breastfeeding successful. For me, nursing is primarily about the budget. I love that breast milk is created to be the right food for baby and all the immune-boosting and relationship-building benefits for both mom and baby. But when it comes down to it, if we don’t have to buy formula, it will be a lot easier for me to stay home with baby and just work very part time.

At first I worried that reading all these different parenting philosophies would make me confused and paralyzed about what is BEST. But I think that it’s worked out to be the opposite. If I hadn’t read a variety of ideas, I would be sure that there is one right way to do this, and be more prone to get down on myself for perceived failures. I already know that that is going to be a challenge for me, it has been for my whole life. If I don’t do something exactly right, I’ve failed, and will likely never succeed (as shown in my reactions to learning to ride bike, read music, multiply, and drive). I’ve already been reminding myself that parenthood is full of failure and success, so we’ll see how I do at keeping a balanced perspective. Even without enough sleep.

One of my favorite reminders came from almost every book that I’ve read; remember that your baby is joining the family that you’ve already begun to create. Maintaining a healthy relationship with your partner will provide security and stability for your children. I think it would be really easy to focus so much on baby that you neglect your marriage, which is probably why all these books remind you not to.

Baby T-Rex is due in the next month or so, and then we’ll see. About so many things, we will wait and see.