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Birthday Thoughts

~ Patricia Schnase ~ Leave a comment

Today is my husband’s birthday. I’ve been pondering all day what to say in the semi-obligatory Facebook birthday post, and I realized I had more to say than just a status update. So, CJ this is mostly for you, although the rest of you can read it too, it is on the Internet after all. šŸ™‚

Since we’ve been together for 10 years and married for seven, I’ve had the privilege of watching you grow and change in some pretty fantastic ways. I’m regularly astounded by your work ethic and your heart for people, two traits that have been there for as long as I’ve known you and have been key to your success. Sharing my life with you is a decision I do not regret.

But looking at you now, it’s like that Brad Paisley song, “I thought I loved you then.” Watching you with our son is awesome. Your love for Connor is so clear. There is no one I’d rather lose sleep with. No one I can’t wait to see at the end of the day more. No other hug I want to feel when I’m worn out. Raising a child takes at least two, and I’m thrilled that you’re in this with me.

I love you most.

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Motherhood: What I don’t want to tell you

~ Patricia Schnase ~ 1 Comment

My husband and I welcomed our first child into the world on Tuesday. Connor James has already changed and enriched my life in the last seven days. I am so happy and blessed to have the privilege of being his mother.

Photo credit: BellaBaby Photography
Photo credit: BellaBaby Photography

We’ve had lots of encouragement and support from family and friends and we’re so grateful to have Connor’s grandparents living in the same town as we do. But it’s definitely a big adjustment. And aside from living with a newborn, I’m dealing with some things. Some thoughts.

I sort of feel like there are expectations when a person asks a new mother how she’s doing. We kind of want to hear how exhausted she is and offer a sympathetic smile. Like making small talk about the weather or the big game, we expect the conversation to go a certain direction, with both parties filling their expected roles.

So, here’s what I don’t want to tell you:

I don’t want to say that I was only in labor for about 6 hours. Especially if I know you labored longer.

I don’t want to tell you that I didn’t have an epidural, just a single dose of IV pain medicine. It feels like bragging. I promise I didn’t go into it trying to prove how strong I am.

I don’t want to say that breastfeeding has been going well, that my milk came in on day 3 and that by day 4, Connor had stopped losing and started gaining weight back.

I REALLY don’t want you to know that our second night home with him he slept almost 6 hours straight, because I never thought I’d have to set an alarm to wake up and feed a newborn.

I don’t want you to notice that I’m basically wearing pre-pregnancy clothes already. I’m not trying. I’m just wearing what fits.

At the same time as I’m thinking all of this, I am still dealing with the changes that come with having had a baby a week ago. I’m sore, and kind of hate using the bathroom. I’m sleepy often. I cry at literally nothing. I worry about being home with baby and two dogs while CJ is at work.

But, I’ve perceived these discomforts as comparatively minor, and so again, I don’t want to tell you. Somehow I fear that your response will be “That’s nothing” or “Just you wait.”

I know that I’m fortunate. So I downplay my experience, while at the same time wanting to share and connect. I’m still figuring out what sharing will look like for me, but maybe just writing this is a good first step. Writing it down is usually the best place for me to begin.

So now you know what I didn’t want you to know. What I didn’t know how to say.

 

But seriously, I already love him so much more than I imagined. Being a mom is totally awesome. Even at 2am.

Expiration Date

~ Patricia Schnase ~ 2 Comments

So yesterday I bought a gallon of milk and as I was standing in front of the cooler in the store, I had a moment. All of those jugs were stamped: Best by 10-17-16. All that milk “expires” on my due date.

Now I’m not really wound up about having this baby on October 17th. I know that due dates are approximations and that coming early or going long isn’t something to worry about at this point. My house is pretty much ready for baby and my ribs are ready to be done with the kicking.

What hit me was that pregnancy can seem to last forever, even if you’re fairly comfortable like I’ve been. And now it’s only going to last through the next few gallons of milk. (I say “few” because the one I bought yesterday is already half-gone.) Sometimes measuring time in a different way, like gallons of milk, can put a new perspective on it.

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A Pile of Parenting Books

~ Patricia Schnase ~ 1 Comment

If it wasn’t already obvious, I do some of my best learning through reading. I can’t recall ever taking one of those learning styles tests, but I know I’d rank higher on reading than simply seeing. (Since I do love personality tests, I should probably take one some day.)

So over the last 8 months or so, I’ve read a lot about pregnancy, birth, and infants. Most of these books I’ve received as gifts or gotten cheap at a thrift store based on recommendations. What I’m finding really interesting (and potentially frustrating) is the variety and contradiction of the contents.

The Happiest Baby on the BlockĀ by Harvey Karp focuses on calming the crying in a variety of ways so that both baby and parents get enough rest. I appreciated the blend of medical science and common sense, wrapped together with a rather amusing tone. For example, I laughed over this quote for days:

I think America’s favorite pastime isn’t baseball…. It’s giving new moms unsolicited advice.

Karp’s 5 S’s (swaddling, side/stomach, shushing, swinging, and sucking) are easy to use and remember. Most of his book is built on the premise that babies could use a “fourth trimester” in the womb and each of the S’s helps make the outside world a little more womb-like for the little one.

On Becoming Babywise by Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam was also good, but my particular copy was a little dated (copyright 1995) so maybe I’ll check the library for an updated version, just to compare. These authors seem unworried about stomach sleeping infants, which recent studies have linked strongly to SIDS, so I ignored that part.

Ezzo and Bucknam strongly advocate getting your baby on a routine as quickly as possible so that babies are sleeping through the night by around 6-8 weeks. They recommend watching the clock, but not allowing the clock to be the parent, some feedings will happen slightly earlier or later than the average 3 hours apart. I appreciated a lot of the tips, especially about helping a more nocturnal baby transition to sleeping more at night, but I’m not sure how hardcore I will be about always making sure the routine is “feeding-waketime-naptime.”

La Leche League International’sĀ The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding is a lot less structured thanĀ Babywise, advocating the natural instincts of the mother and baby over the schedule. This book recommends feeding when the baby is hungry, as many times throughout the day and night as necessary. Again, I’m not sure how I feel about that.

But what I did love about that book was all the advice and techniques for making breastfeeding successful. For me, nursing is primarily about the budget. I love that breast milk is created to be the right food for baby and all the immune-boosting and relationship-building benefits for both mom and baby. But when it comes down to it, if we don’t have to buy formula, it will be a lot easier for me to stay home with baby and just work very part time.

At first I worried that reading all these different parenting philosophies would make me confused and paralyzed about what is BEST. But I think that it’s worked out to be the opposite. If I hadn’t read a variety of ideas, I would be sure that there is one right way to do this, and be more prone to get down on myself for perceived failures. I already know that that is going to be a challenge for me, it has been for my whole life. If I don’t do something exactly right, I’ve failed, and will likely never succeed (as shown in my reactions to learning to ride bike, read music, multiply, and drive).Ā I’ve already been reminding myself that parenthood is full of failure and success, so we’ll see how I do at keeping a balanced perspective. Even without enough sleep.

One of my favorite reminders came from almost every book that I’ve read; remember that your baby is joining the family that you’ve already begun to create. Maintaining a healthy relationship with your partner will provide security and stability for your children. I think it would be really easy to focus so much on baby that you neglect your marriage, which is probably why all these books remind you not to.

Baby T-Rex is due in the next month or so, and then we’ll see. About so many things, we will wait and see.

Why I’d make a great dictator

~ Patricia Schnase ~ 1 Comment

A bit of a running joke with me is that I often want to be in charge, but I’m unwilling to seize power against the will of others. If people would just listen to me, we’d all be happier and better off.

This tendency reminded me the other day of Lord Vetinari of Terry Pratchett’s Discworld series. Vetinari is the Patrician and supreme ruler of Ankh-Morpork. Now, I’ve only read a handful of this vast series so far, but I think I could be a suitable Vetinari for the real world.

According to the Discworld Wiki:

It was his discovery that people only really want stability and that tomorrow should pretty much resemble today, and this has been his greatest contribution to Ankh-Morpork. Impressively, he manages to keep this up even while he drags Ankh-Morpork, sometimes kicking and screaming, into the future. It is said that Vetinari can accomplish more with irony than most others can with steel. He can also accomplish more with one raised eyebrow than most people can with two of them and a lifetime of practice.

A good dictator should have the best interests of the people in mind, and accomplish those interests with a minimum of fuss. Generally, people want their lives to run smoothly and efficiently, and an appropriately functioning government is a step in that direction. Especially if that government is helmed by a person who has a finger in everything and the ability to inspire action in others.

*If you haven’t caught on, this post has been written with my tongue firmly in my cheek. But there are some points that I think we should consider as our nation faces the coming election.

While we’re not electing a dictator, we need to consider whether our chosen candidate has the interests of the people at heart. I’m not sure any of the current choices do. I’m not sure any human can truly ignore their own selfish heart.

But maybe we ought to consider electing someone who doesn’tĀ want the presidency. Someone with leadership qualities, chosen by others, not by themselves. In all honesty, I don’t really want to be in charge, and that might be what makes me succeed as a leader in some cases. I think that someone who doesn’t want to, but respects this nation and will take the responsibility of leading it seriously, might just be what we need.

Vetinari 2016: A Tyrant for our Time

Introversion as I Feel It

~ Patricia Schnase ~ 3 Comments

*I’ve been working on this post for a few days now, and I’m still not sure that it says everything I want it to say. Maybe I’ll have to do a series on introversion in my experience.*

I identify as an introvert. In the last few years it’s become “cool” (or at least less “uncool”) to be introverted. I’m guessing Susan Cain had a little something to do with that. (Check out her TedTalk here, if you haven’t.)

I need that time alone to recharge. But lately I’ve been confronted with the fact that it is also not good for me to be alone too much. For example, I don’t like to eat alone and I tend to make poor eating choices if I have too many meals alone. There are also certain people whose presence is just as easy and comfortable as being alone.

All that is because there are more aspects to me (to all of us) than just the ranking on the introversion-extraversion spectrum. I was first introduced to the Myers-Briggs personality test in my senior year of college. Thank you, Dr. Maylath. Because those four letters clarified a lot for me.

If you’ve never looked at this, here’s the link to the official page. Essentially this “test” measures where you stand on four different aspects of personality and character. Knowing yourself can be helpful.

I’m an INFJ, pretty much the rarest type, although I know quite a few like me. There’s a lot that I could go into, but one of the most dominant traits is empathy. Which explains why I regularly almost faint when visiting people in the hospital and why I’m sobbing 10 seconds into a video of soldiers returning home. But it also explains why it’s not good for me to be alone too much.

I think that when I spend too much time alone, I start empathizing with myself and essentially magnifying my own emotions, like when you put a microphone in front of a speaker and get that awful feedback sound. I need to sometimes let myself be influenced by the feelings of others to lower the intensity of my own.

But I have to be careful who I absorb and how much. Empathizing with others can give them a lot of power over how I feel, and I’ve learned to be cautious with the people I let get that close.

So, what are your letters? Did you find it helpful or not? I suspect that different types might not set as much score by these letters as I do.

Star Wars: I’ve got a bad feeling about this

~ Patricia Schnase ~ 1 Comment

Okay, so I hinted at this in my Harry Potter post and got a few requests to explain. Here goes:

I didn’t likeĀ The Force Awakens. And it’s taken me a really long time to figure out why.

When I was a kid, I LOVEDĀ Star Wars. We had VHS copies ofĀ Empire andĀ Jedi that were recorded off TV and we wore them out. We wore out several new copies as well.

When the prequels came out, I liked them too. Even Episode I, although it’s not as good as the others.

In junior high, I discovered that there were novels set in the Star Wars universe. That the story didn’t have to end with just the 6 movies. I read a lot of Star Wars in those days. (In case you hadn’t caught on yet, I’m a nerd.)

So initially I was pretty excited that there was going to be a new movie. I’d read quite a few books that would make excellent movies, in my opinion. But then Disney announced that none of the previously written books were part of the canon anymore. Okay, I can cope. They’re just taking the story in a new direction.

I’d been pretty pleased with J.J. Abrams’Ā Star Trek movies, so I was fine with him taking on this series too.

I enjoyed the trailer when it came out.

When we finally went to the movie (somehow it’s a lot harder to get the whole family to the theater at once these days), I was pretty excited. I’d successfully avoided Internet spoilers and I was ready.

The beginning was good. ItĀ felt like Star Wars. I was a little irked that we started again with an orphan on a desert planet. And the whole New Order thing seemed off. The Empire was defeated right? Who are these guys? Where did they come from?

But, honestly I could’ve coped and adjusted to all that. I was totally destroyed by Han’s death. Like, I cried for the whole rest of the movie and some more when I got home. [I’m also pretty sure I was pregnant and didn’t know yet. Just for clarity.]

I get that Harrison Ford didn’t want to keep being Han Solo. I could’ve been okay with the fact that he died with a few adjustments.

  1. How about he sacrifice himself for a character we actually know and love? I know Ben is his son and everything, but I found him as unpleasant as Jar Jar. He wasn’t worthy of that great a sacrifice. We don’t know enough of his story.
  2. Why does Leia hug Rey when they come back? Chewie is who she should be hugging. I know Leia and Han hadn’t been super close lately (what’s up with that btw?), but seriously.
  3. Also, Rey has not earned the privilege of sitting in the pilot’s seat of theĀ Falcon. She can sit in the copilot’s seat and Chewie can fly. I know she’s this crazy-good pilot and all, but not just anyone sits in that seat.
  4. Finally, there was no funeral. No closure for the characters or the viewers. We got a funeral for Anakin/Vader (at a time where we didn’t know his backstory yet, or really like him all that much). And we got a funeral for Qui-Gon and he only existed for one movie. Han died, so let’s go find Luke.

So, that’s what’s going on with me andĀ The Force Awakens. We’ve owned the Blu-ray for months now and it’s still in its plastic wrapping. Maybe one of these days I’ll watch it again. Maybe I’ll wait until I’m no longer pregnant and volatile. šŸ˜‰

Finally Lucilla: A Pinterest Prompt

~ Patricia Schnase ~ Leave a comment

I have a board on Pinterest that’s full of writing inspiration. The terrible temptation with Pinterest is to just pin stuff and never actually do stuff. So this is me doing stuff with it.

Want to go home

This scene is actually really exciting for me because I’m finally writing a character I’ve been intending to for awhile. I’m in the process of writing a steampunk/faeryĀ Beauty and the Beast retelling, and I’ve been struggling with introducing 8 year old Lucilla to the story. Mostly because I got way too excited about her potential and then I was paralyzed.

Anyway. Here’s what I’ve got so far. I don’t want to give you too much, but I’m definitely going to be continuing this piece today.

Flynn finished his hourly rounds and stood near the helm, surveying the ship as they flew steadily. The weather was fine and the evening predicted a peaceful night, one that they could certainly use. Looking around, his eye caught the little girl curled up in the bow of the airship.

He crossed the deck and stood near her, on the pretense of gazing out over the mountains below.

ā€œItā€™s a lovely evening. Smell that air? Thereā€™s snow down there,ā€ he commented. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her shoulder lift in a shrug.

ā€œSure was a fine supper.ā€ Flynn was fine with a one-sided conversation; heā€™d had plenty with Captain Drake. But he suspected that taciturn wasnā€™t Drakeā€™s sisterā€™s default.

ā€œI want to go home.ā€ Lucilla spoke so softly that the wind nearly whisked the words away before he heard them.

Flynn nodded. ā€œAnd I want to go to the moon. Itā€™s not happening, sweetheart. Time to accept that.ā€

She turned her eyes to him, full of fire and glistening with tears. ā€œI thought you were my friend!ā€

ā€œIā€™d like to be. But you know as well as I that Wings is your new home. Your brother is your guardian now. This is his home and yours too.ā€ He leaned forward and braced his elbows on the railing. ā€œBut youā€™ve got to admit, itā€™s not so terrible.ā€

ā€œThereā€™s nothing to do here.ā€ The fire burned out of her, leaving behind a sulky eight year old.

ā€œHasnā€™t anyone shown you the library?ā€ Flynn raised a brow, having carried Lucillaā€™s own trunkful of books on board himself.

ā€œMiss Annabelle is always in there, and Sebastian said Iā€™m not to disturb her work.ā€

ā€œI think youā€™ll find then when Miss Annabelle is working, it would take an earthquake to disturb her. Letā€™s go see what we can find, eh?ā€ He turned and headed slowly across the deck, eventually hearing her quiet footsteps following.

Good Intentions

~ Patricia Schnase ~ Leave a comment

Lately, I’ve been drinking my morning coffee on the patio while the dogs do dog stuff in the yard. It’s peaceful and not too hot or windy yet. A good time for thinking.

Today I was thinking about procrastination, one of my challenges. Turning it over in my mind a phrase came to me.

The path of procrastination is also paved with good intentions.

Following that rabbit trail a little further, I realized that good intentions are one heck of a building material. And like brick or concrete or wood, they can be used well or poorly, to build something useful or something bad. What seems to make a difference is whether you use any other materials in the process. A path made only of bricks with no sand foundation or mortar between them won’t be pleasant to walk on or as durable.

So here’s to mixing your good intentions with thought and action. See where your path might take you.

Third Trimester, and I’m Tired

~ Patricia Schnase ~ Leave a comment

*I had a different subject in mind when I sat down to write today. Instead, you get this. šŸ™‚

I’m approaching the final countdown at nearly 30 weeks pregnant, and so far, I’ve been really lucky and blessed to feel really good. I never threw up and I survived a semester of grad school without complications. When I’m honest and rational, I really have no complaints.

But, guys, I’m tired. I’m getting to the point where I don’t sleep comfortably or soundly anymore. And I know what you’re thinking: “Just wait til baby comes!” “You’ll never sleep again!” “Muahaha!”

Being tired is what I’m most worried about. I’m not my kindest, most patient, best self when tired. None of us are.

I know that I won’t live up to my expectations; I already fail myself pretty frequently.

So, village, if you notice me frazzled or cranky, or that I’ve only put concealer under one dark-circled eye, remind me to cut myself some slack. Give myself some grace. And to go take a nap. Everything else can wait.