My husband and I welcomed our first child into the world on Tuesday. Connor James has already changed and enriched my life in the last seven days. I am so happy and blessed to have the privilege of being his mother.

We’ve had lots of encouragement and support from family and friends and we’re so grateful to have Connor’s grandparents living in the same town as we do. But it’s definitely a big adjustment. And aside from living with a newborn, I’m dealing with some things. Some thoughts.

I sort of feel like there are expectations when a person asks a new mother how she’s doing. We kind of want to hear how exhausted she is and offer a sympathetic smile. Like making small talk about the weather or the big game, we expect the conversation to go a certain direction, with both parties filling their expected roles.

So, here’s what I don’t want to tell you:

I don’t want to say that I was only in labor for about 6 hours. Especially if I know you labored longer.

I don’t want to tell you that I didn’t have an epidural, just a single dose of IV pain medicine. It feels like bragging. I promise I didn’t go into it trying to prove how strong I am.

I don’t want to say that breastfeeding has been going well, that my milk came in on day 3 and that by day 4, Connor had stopped losing and started gaining weight back.

I REALLY don’t want you to know that our second night home with him he slept almost 6 hours straight, because I never thought I’d have to set an alarm to wake up and feed a newborn.

I don’t want you to notice that I’m basically wearing pre-pregnancy clothes already. I’m not trying. I’m just wearing what fits.

At the same time as I’m thinking all of this, I am still dealing with the changes that come with having had a baby a week ago. I’m sore, and kind of hate using the bathroom. I’m sleepy often. I cry at literally nothing. I worry about being home with baby and two dogs while CJ is at work.

But, I’ve perceived these discomforts as comparatively minor, and so again, I don’t want to tell you. Somehow I fear that your response will be “That’s nothing” or “Just you wait.”

I know that I’m fortunate. So I downplay my experience, while at the same time wanting to share and connect. I’m still figuring out what sharing will look like for me, but maybe just writing this is a good first step. Writing it down is usually the best place for me to begin.

So now you know what I didn’t want you to know. What I didn’t know how to say.

 

But seriously, I already love him so much more than I imagined. Being a mom is totally awesome. Even at 2am.